Six Attributes of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion involves relating to yourself in kind, caring ways. Like how you’d treat a friend if they were struggling and turned to you for support.
Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to the self-criticism that often comes with perfectionism.
Does your self-talk sound anything like this? “I’m not good enough. I should be doing more. I should have my life together by now.”
It’s often the self-critical piece of perfectionism that drags us down. Striving for big goals and high standards is one thing, but beating ourselves up for not reaching them is where perfectionism really takes its toll.
While self-compassion is powerful, it’s not an easy skill to practice.
And there’s no one right way to do self-compassion.
Sometimes caring for yourself means taking time off to rest. Other times it means setting boundaries with a loved one. Or it could mean challenging yourself to try something new.
Key to self compassion is being able to identify and meet your own needs at a given time. And staying flexible, since these needs can change over time, even from day to day.
In this article, I’ll explore two domains and six attributes of self-compassion.
My goal is to help you reflect on the many different ways to practice self-compassion. Which ways are going well for you? And what areas would you like to improve?
Two Domains of Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff is the leading expert on self-compassion and mental health. She breaks self-compassion into two complementary domains, “being with” and “acting in the world.”
When we think of self-compassion, we’re more likely to think of the “being with” aspect. Here, we’re doing things to care for ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally. Like taking a day off work when you’re feeling unwell.
Also important is the “acting in the world” side. Here, we care for ourselves by taking action and making changes. For example, looking for a new job because your current environment is negatively impacting your mental health.
Six Attributes of Self-Compassion
Dr. Neff further then divides the two domains of self-compassion into six total attributes.
Being With
The three attributes of “being with” are comforting, soothing, and validating.
Comforting: Taking care of yourself when you’re struggling emotionally. Like talking with a friend when you’re feeling overwhelmed or upset.
Soothing: Taking care of yourself physically. For example, taking a walk to decompress after a long day.
Validating: Acknowledging where you’re struggling and validating your emotions. To give an example: “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed given everything I’m dealing with right now.”
Acting in the World
The three attributes of “acting in the world” are protecting, providing, and motivating.
Protecting: Doing what you can to keep yourself safe. Like setting boundaries with a family member or pulling back on how much unpaid overtime you’re doing.
Providing: Identifying what you need, acknowledging that you deserve to have those needs met, then doing what you can to meet them.
This can be a challenging aspect of self-compassion for many people, particularly being able to recognize that we’re all worthy of having our needs met.
Motivating: Encouraging yourself to work toward your goals in a kind and supportive way.
Practicing self-compassion doesn’t mean that we can’t also strive for change. But the aim is to motivate ourselves with encouragement rather than criticism. Think more “You can do this” and less “You’re such a failure.”
Balancing the Attributes of Self-Compassion
I find this approach to self-compassion so helpful for reflecting on our respective strengths and challenges.
Some people find that the “acting in the world” side of things comes easier. Maybe you’re able to push yourself to take action, be disciplined, and stay consistent. But perhaps you struggle with slowing down and giving yourself permission to rest. Or validating your difficult emotions versus telling yourself to “get over it.”
On the other side, some people feel more comfortable with the “being with” aspects of self-compassion. Perhaps you’re good at embracing rest and relaxation, but sometimes struggle with getting things done. Or maybe you’re doing tons of comforting and soothing, when you’d be better served by setting more boundaries at work or home (i.e., protecting).
Reflection
Here are some questions to help you reflect on the six attributes of self-compassion:
What areas are you doing well with right now?
How are you already practicing comforting, soothing, validating, protecting, providing, or motivating?
What area(s) do you find most challenging?
Next Steps
Pick one area of self-compassion that you’d like to build on.
What’s one small way you could enhance your self-compassion skills in that area?
Say that I want to improve on validating. One step I could take is to set aside 5 minutes each day to write down my thoughts and validate whatever emotions come up for me.
If I’m trying to get better at motivating, I could set an achievable goal for the week and plan to reward myself when it’s done.
Final Thoughts
Self-compassion is a powerful strategy for supporting our mental and physical health. But it’s not a “one-size-fits-all” thing. There are many different ways to do self-compassion.
Our goal is to practice self-compassion with purpose and flexibility, so that we can support ourselves through whatever comes our way.
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan and Alberta.
Learn more about counselling for perfectionism or counselling for anxiety.
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