Four Aspects of Perfectionism
No matter how hard I work, it’s never good enough
I feel a lot of pressure to meet other people’s expectations
I often expect the worst to happen
I have trouble seeing my strengths
I tend to be really hard on myself
People living with perfectionism are driven by a strong desire to achieve. They often set high standards for success, and aren’t satisfied with anything less than 100%.
It’s common to have mixed feelings about perfectionism.
On one hand, perfectionism has likely helped you achieve some amazing things. Like getting good grades, awards, or a promotion that you really wanted. Maybe perfectionism motivates you to work hard, pay attention to details, and keep improving your skills.
On the other hand, perfectionism has a dark side. It can make you feel like no matter how hard you work, it’s never enough. Like you can’t take a break without feeling guilty. Like you should avoid things when there’s no guarantee of success. Or that other people will judge you for even the smallest mistakes.
There’s a difference between striving for excellence and perfectionism. And perfectionism has some pretty toxic parts.
In this article, I break perfectionism down into four parts:
High standards
High stakes
Self-criticism
And emotional distress
Keep reading to learn more about these components of perfectionism and how they impact us.
High Standards
People living with perfectionism strive to meet high expectations. These can be expectations they set for themselves, because they’re personally important to them. Or expectations they believe others have for them, like their parents, employers, or coaches.
Perfectionists may be striving to meet high standards in one specific area of their life, like work or school. Or they may be pushing for perfection across all the different roles they play, trying to be the best employee, student, parent, partner, or friend all at once.
With perfectionism, people tend to live by very strict rules. For example:
I should never make mistakes
I should always be doing something productive
I should be able to get along with everyone
I should never get mad at my partner or kids
People also tend to see success in an all-or-nothing way. They either reach their goal or they fail. They assume that it’s not okay to come in second or get only 90%.
And often what happens with perfectionism is that the goals get bigger over time. If the person achieves one thing, they’re still not satisfied, so they raise the bar again. Perfectionism convinces us that there’s always more we could be doing.
High Stakes
People who experience perfectionism often link their value to their achievements. They believe that they need to meet all those super high expectations to be successful, happy, or loved.
Deep down they might worry that they’re not a valuable person if they’re not excelling at work, getting good grades, or making everyone around them happy.
So, perfectionism sets up really high stakes. It often involves a fear of failure and a fear of being “not good enough.” It tells us that things will be okay if only we can do everything just right. But if we fail in some way, all kinds of worst-case scenarios could come true. For example, people will be disappointed in us, we’ll get fired, or we’ll flunk out of school.
With perfectionism, it seems like any mistake, no matter how small, could make or break your entire future.
Self-Criticism
Another key part of perfectionism is self-criticism. Perfectionists are always comparing themselves to those high standards, and seeing a gap between where they are now and where they think they “should” be.
Instead of seeing the expectations as the problem - as unrealistic - they see themselves as the issue. They’re not working hard enough. They’re stupid, lazy, or useless. They should be doing more.
So there tends to be lots of negative self-talk happening.
And with perfectionism, people typically to notice the negatives above all else. They zone in on any mistakes or perceived flaws. And dwell on times when things don’t go to plan.
People living with perfectionism also have trouble seeing their strengths. It’s hard for them to admit what they’re good at. Or they assume that their strengths aren’t important or valuable.
Something else that happens with this self-critical piece of perfectionism is that people tend to blame themselves for things. Like if their friend seems upset, their mind will go right to, “I must have done something wrong.” When the explanation could be totally unrelated to them, like their friend had a poor sleep or is feeling stressed about work.
Emotional Distress
And finally, perfectionism can lead to emotional distress. For example, people often feel stressed about meeting expectations, especially when they have a big deadline or important event coming up. Or they get anxious about what could happen if they don’t succeed, imagining all those worst-case scenarios coming true.
Perfectionism can lead to burnout, because people are working all hours trying to be everything to everyone. Which leaves them feeling emotionally exhausted, drained, and numb. Or more irritable and “short” than usual.
People living with perfectionism often get overwhelmed when situations change unexpectedly. If they don’t reach their goals, they may experience a sense of shame or worthlessness, because they’ve pinned their value to that successful outcome.
Even when you do meet expectations, maybe they still don’t feel satisfied. Because perfectionism tells them that’s just what they “should” be achieving. So there’s not a lot of room for joy or celebration in those moments.
People living with perfectionism can also struggle with jealousy or resentment, especially when they’re busy comparing themselves to other people.
As you can likely see, there’s lots of different, difficult emotions that can come up with perfectionism.
Learn More
While perfectionism can be tough to separate from, it often takes from us more than it gives. Especially if you’re dealing not just with the high standards of perfectionism, but the high stakes, self-criticism, and emotional distress.
Want to learn more about perfectionism? Check out my free mini course, available on demand.
Free Mini Course: When is Perfectionism a Problem?
Wondering if perfectionism is an issue in your life?
Get clear on what perfectionism is, how it shows up day to day, and when it becomes a problem.
Use the video lesson and workbook to:
Understand 4 key aspects of perfectionism
Get examples of how perfectionism can impact your thoughts, feelings, and actions
Reflect on some fears people often have about giving up perfectionism
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan and Alberta.
Learn more about counselling for perfectionism or anxiety.
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